You’ve been given the green light to resume sex at your six-week postpartum visit, but you’re just not feeling it. Sound familiar? You’re not alone, and there is nothing wrong with needing more time.
This article was written and reviewed by Licensed Professional Counselor and Coach Annia Palacios of Tightrope Therapy.
Not ready for sex postpartum? Here’s what to know:
- Only 32% of people are having sex six weeks after birth
- Hormones, sleep deprivation, and feeling touched out can impact your desire
- Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is released through skin-to-skin and breastfeeding, so you might not need your partner to meet this need
- Communication with your partner is key during this time
Postpartum sex is so much more than just physical. You can love your partner but not be ready for sex just yet. Your body has been through a lot during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, and the healing process may have been less than glamorous.
You are still adjusting to your new postpartum body, where everything looks and feels just a little bit different. Maybe your body feels like it doesn’t belong to you if it is being used to feed an infant 24/7.
And to top it all off – the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, feeling touched out, and weight of caring for a newborn can impact your desire for sex.
Even though most birthing persons are given the green light for sex at 6 to 8 weeks postpartum, research has shown that only about 32% of people actually resumed sexual relations during this time period, with most delaying sex because they didn’t feel quite ready yet.
You may also feel fulfilled in other ways. Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) released through sex is also experienced through touch, including breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact.
All the snuggles with your baby can trigger your brain to release this feel-good hormone, and your oxytocin cup can feel fulfilled through your baby and not crave as much of this hormone from your partner.
Tips to tell you’re partner you’re not ready for sex after birth
So, what do you do if you need more time but aren’t sure how to communicate that to your partner? Here are five helpful tips I share with my clients as a mental health therapist and coach for moms.
- Communicate with clarity
- Carve out time for each other
- Focus on overall intimacy (not just sex)
- Take care of each other’s needs
- Check-in periodically with each other
1. Communicate with clarity
Clear and direct communication about how you feel and what is going on in your body is crucial to preserving trust in your relationship.
2. Carve out time for each other
Investing in each other can help you feel like a couple rather than roommates sharing childcare responsibilities.
3. Focus on intimacy, not just sex
Intimacy exists on a spectrum, and there are so many ways to express affection for each other and produce oxytocin. Spend time getting close through cuddling, hugs, kisses, and a massage without the pressure.
4. Take care of each other’s needs
Your partner’s desire for sex is often more than just sex. They miss you and want to feel close, valued, and seen by you. Maybe they’re feeling left out since their role took a backseat to the bond you now have with your baby.
Help them meet their needs by helping them feel valued and connected.
5. Check-in periodically – with yourself and your partner
Ask yourself how you feel and get curious about where your hesitation may be coming from so you can communicate that with your partner.
Keeping your partner updated on how you are healing, what your sex drive looks like, and how they can support you outside of the bedroom to help you feel ready for touch and intimacy can be helpful.
Related: Marriage Problems After Baby and How to Solve Them
Final words of encouragement
At the end of the day, know that your postpartum journey and sex timeline are your own. Your body has been through a lot, and needing a bit more time is okay. Talk to your partner about how you feel and seek professional support if needed.
Other articles you might find helpful
- No Interest in Sex After Having a Baby? Here’s How to Ease Back In (If You Want)
- Three Important Things to Know About Postpartum Sex
- Why Sex Can Be Painful After Birth (Even If You Had a C-Section)
Article references
Tria Astika Endah Permatasari, et al. “The Relationship between Oxytocin Levels with Empathy and Breastfeeding Intention in Female Medical Students: A Cross-Sectional Study.” Annals of Medicine and Surgery, No longer published by Elsevier, 28 Aug. 2022, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2049080122012468.
Delgado-Pérez, Esther, et al. “Recovering Sexuality after Childbirth. What Strategies Do Women Adopt? A Qualitative Study.” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 15 Jan. 2022, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8775547/.
