We know boundaries are essential, but what about after birth? It’s critical to have clear boundaries in place during this time, especially with family. Here’s how to do it.
Boundaries. It seems that we hear about them frequently. Whether it’s boundaries at work, with friends, or even (especially) with family.
They’re often brought up, especially when talking about conflict in relationships and bringing a baby home.
For some, a common phrase you may often hear is, “You need to set boundaries, especially once the baby is born.” But how do you set those boundaries? And what exactly does it look like to set them?
Keep reading to learn more from a licensed social worker and therapist.
How to set boundaries with family at-a-glance:
- Reflect on yourself first
- Identify what boundaries you want to set
- Practice, practice, practice
- Run through all the worst-case scenarios
- If possible, set the boundary on your terms
- Keep trying
Boundary examples to use after birth
If you need some help coming up with what, exactly, to say to friends and family after birth, these scenarios and examples might help.
To share that you’re not accepting visitors. Try saying, “We’re using this time to settle into our new role as parents. We’ll be sure to reach out when we’re ready!”
Buy a “No Visitors” sign after birth to further communicate your wishes.
To communicate that you’re not open to opinions. Say, “This is what we’ve chosen to do now based on what we feel is best. Thanks for your understanding!”
To honor your baby’s schedule. You could say, “This schedule works best for our newborn, and this is what we’ll follow for now. We might be late/need to leave early/not make it, but know we’re doing our best.”
Setting boundaries with family members
The way we set boundaries will look different based on the person we are setting them with (including your own parents). And the way you enforce those boundaries may look different as well.
The reality is that every person is different, and that impacts how they show up in relationships and what boundaries need to be set.
As a parent – and especially a mother – you have likely been on the receiving end of unsolicited advice on how to best parent.
It has come from strangers at the grocery store or fellow moms on social media, and unfortunately, sometimes from our loved ones. Those same loved ones whose opinions we may value deeply.
Trying to figure out how to set new boundaries or enforce old ones can feel tricky, and the real challenge is setting boundaries with our extended family (hello, boundaries with grandparents), especially as new parents.
While boundaries with family may feel difficult, they are not impossible.
Dr. Veronica Eyo
Setting boundaries, especially when making parenting decisions that differ from how you grew up, can be challenging.
On the one hand, there can be a strong pull not to want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but on the other hand, not speaking up is hurting your feelings and, in the long term, your relationship with those loved ones.
Remember, these difficult conversations are the best way to meet your emotional needs and your family’s needs in the long run.
While boundaries with family may feel difficult, they are not impossible. When paired with some hard work, there are minor changes you can make to help create lasting changes in our close relationships from a place of love.
More on those below.
Tips for setting boundaries as a new parent
Here are six tips for how to set boundaries, specifically with loved ones, after the birth of your baby and as you move throughout your parenting journey.
Keep in mind that healthy boundaries communicate to others how each person would like to be treated with the end goal of cultivating a good relationship.
Don’t let the potential for a negative response keep you from speaking up and honoring your emotional well-being.
1. Reflect on yourself first
Before we get into how to talk with others about our boundaries, we need to start with ourselves. Take some time to reflect on what setting boundaries mean to you.
- Were boundaries discouraged growing up?
- Were they used to keep others out?
- How has setting boundaries made you feel in the past? Scared? Nervous? Disrespectful?
Take the time to intentionally reflect on your feelings and thoughts about setting boundaries now as a new mother and write them down.
There is no right or wrong answer. The point of this exercise is to become aware of your perceptions of boundaries as this probably comes up when you set them with others.
2. Identify what boundaries you want to set
Now that you have reflected on yourself continue the reflection and identify in what areas you’d like to see change.
- Do you want to speak to your loved ones about how your time availability to attend certain events is limited because of the baby’s sleep schedule?
- Do you want to limit the number of visitors in the early days of your postpartum recovery?
- Do you want to speak to your loved ones about the hurtful comments they’ve made regarding what you choose to feed your baby?
- Do you want to address the comments about how best to discipline your assertive toddler?
Whatever it is, write it down. The practice of writing them down can help with becoming clear with yourself about what boundaries you need to set.
3. Practice, practice, practice
As a therapist, I am a big fan of role-playing and practicing what you want to communicate to another person. There is something healing about knowing what you want to say and hearing yourself say it aloud.
It can help with building confidence in yourself as you’re about to navigate this potentially stressful situation and a difficult discussion.
Read next: How to Set Boundaries with Family After a Baby Is Born
4. Run through all the worst-case scenarios
One barrier I have found people have regarding setting boundaries is feeling like they won’t be received well or that the boundary will instantly fail.
To combat this, say aloud all the worst-case scenarios you can think of.
This tip is especially useful if you can do it with a support person or even a therapist. The most important thing is that the other person can provide some needed reassurance for you and offer a different perspective if needed.
Whether or not you practice with another person or with yourself, remember that you are not responsible for the reaction of others as you set boundaries. I know it will feel like it, but truly, the other person’s reaction is their responsibility.
Repeat that to yourself often.
5. If possible, set the boundary on your terms
This means you don’t always have to set boundaries right in the moment that the negative interaction happens.
That is the ultimate goal, but starting off, it may feel a bit better to speak with the offending person in private about what occurred and what your boundary is so you can make adjustments together.
The thing with setting boundaries is that the more you practice, the better you will get. The first few times that you set the boundary, you may be a little nervous, and that is okay.
A phrase I often use to encourage my clients is, “Speak even if your voice shakes.” It’s all about small steps towards making lasting change and creating healthy relationships.
6. Keep trying
Lastly, what if the boundary isn’t respected? Keep trying.
Boundary setting is hard, and honestly, most of us didn’t grow up being shown how to set those boundaries. So keep trying.
Maybe consult with a friend or seek support from a therapist or continue to read articles like these that help encourage you to speak your truth.
If a boundary isn’t respected, reflect on what you need to do to uphold your boundaries and protect your mental well-being.
I know this can be hard for some to think of removing themselves from a situation; however, remember, we can’t change others, even after the birth of a baby.
We can communicate our needs, but ultimately, it is our responsibility to keep our peace.
Dr. Veronica Eyo
A bonus tip for setting boundaries
It can also be helpful to see how other people set boundaries for themselves.
A book that I have found helpful in setting boundaries with others has been Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover.
The author did a fantastic job in providing examples of setting boundaries and discussing the impact that a lack of limits can have on our mental well-being.
Final thoughts on boundaries with a new baby
As you navigate through setting boundaries, especially in parenting, know that you aren’t alone. It is a tricky situation.
Ultimately, the good news is that these somewhat uncomfortable conversations around your personal needs, your baby’s needs, and more will pay off and set the tone in your personal relationships.
Find your community, whether online or in-person, to help with finding encouragement in those tough times.
Remember, it’s worthwhile to protect your personal space, and one small step can make a profound difference in making a change. You’ve got this!
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