They say it takes a village to raise a baby, but the “village” looks different in our modern society, and getting the help you need can be challenging.
Sometimes, the loneliness of motherhood can take you by surprise. You suddenly have all these new responsibilities and fewer people who understand. Getting certain friends to respond to plans might be more difficult, especially if they don’t have kids.
People don’t comprehend how isolating it is to have no after-delivery care for mothers, whether the new mom is going it alone or with a partner.
The worst part is those who visit often come to see the baby, not the mother. I’ve had times where people have come over to sit and enjoy — which is nice, but I wish I would’ve been able to “relax” instead of getting up and doing chores. Essentially, I just tired myself out more when I should’ve been resting and enjoying the company of my loved ones.
They didn’t understand what I meant when I said I needed help.
If I could do it again, I would start motherhood knowing the techniques that encourage people to help me. People do want to help deep down — the issue is they may not know how to.
I learned I had to tell others what I needed instead of expecting them to understand what new mothers wanted. If I could go back, here are some things I’d say to myself.
Tips for getting the help you need after birth
- Make a chore list
- Ask for a meal train
- Communicate directly
- Consider seeing a professional
- Schedule calls with loved ones
The lack of support after having a baby feels like a universal experience. I know I’m not the only one who has felt dreadfully alone, stuck with all my old, unwanted responsibilities as I tried to bond with my newborn and cherish that time with them.
People in my circle who weren’t parents or hadn’t had a baby in a long time needed extra help to understand precisely what I needed.
1. Make a chore list
Remember when I mentioned how I found myself doing chores when people visited me? That’s not how it should be. I should’ve been able to enjoy my time with my loved ones and my baby, prioritizing rest after such a long delivery.
As such, I started to make little chore lists and ask my visitors to help with something small. A to-do list can help you prioritize which tasks you need to do first and show others how much you need something done.
While I’d never ask my guests to do anything like clean the toilets, asking them to fold a load of baby laundry could give them something to do without making them overextend too much.
2. Ask for a meal train
I loathe cooking when I have better things to do. Enjoying your time with your newborn is one of the most important parts of life, and people should want to take as much stress off you as possible. If people bring us food during times of grief, why can’t they do the same for times of celebration?
One of the most incredible things I did was reach out to family and close friends for a meal train. That way, everyone could sit for a nice, warm meal and catch up with loved ones. Those who eat meals with others — like family members — have lower rates of depression, as it ensures they spend time with people who love and can bond with them.
Though not the healthiest option, even fast food was great, as it ensured that I ate a full meal on a busy day. You can find some tips for takeout (and 40+ postpartum recipes) in this Postpartum Nutrition Guide.
3. Communicate any lack of support post-baby
Push your passive aggression to the side. If you want others to respect you and you to pay them mutual courtesy, you’ll need to be open and honest with them.
Unfortunately, while it could be easier to communicate passive-aggressively because you don’t need to make yourself vulnerable, the lack of support after having a baby needs to be addressed directly to get you the help you need.
Related: A Guide on Effective Couple-Based Communication After Baby
4. Start seeing a professional
After-delivery care for mothers differs depending on the person and what they require. I’m a social butterfly, so I liked having people around me more often than not. Feeling lonely could disintegrate mental health, and conditions like postpartum depression can be challenging to navigate alone.
If I could go back, I’d start addressing my mental health concerns sooner.
Depending on where you live, seeing a professional face-to-face may be unrealistic. Since 80% of rural areas don’t have access to a psychiatrist, opting for an online appointment might be best.
If you’re feeling alone and overwhelmed, don’t keep it inside. Address it with a professional and with someone you trust. It may just help you start feeling like yourself again.
It might hurt to open up, but telling others about your mental health is the best way to be heard. I felt embarrassed when I first spoke up to my loved ones, but they honestly didn’t know I’d been suffering.
That was when I realized they would have helped immediately if they only knew I’d been struggling. I only hurt myself by keeping it in my heart for so long.
5. Schedule calls with loved ones
If you’re like me, you may think you have no time to talk on the phone. However, I figured out that taking a phone call while nursing or feeding is a way to recharge my social battery and feel like I have someone supporting me.
Calling your loved ones can bring you comfort when you’re feeling alone and encourage you to plan with them for the future. I love talking to my family members, as it inevitably leads to us making plans for something. It gives me something to look forward to, even when the days feel their longest.
Teach others that postpartum moms deserve support
You’re not a bad mother for feeling like you need a break. That lesson took me a while to learn, especially since I’m pretty independent and take pride in doing things independently.
However, I realized there were plenty of times I could rely on others. After-delivery care for mothers typically relied on me knowing myself and what I needed, and people were happy to oblige.
Motherhood doesn’t have to be bleak. While you’ll encounter dull days, you can still have fun being a new mother to your child and reconnecting with loved ones you haven’t spoken to in a while.
Just remember to reach out for help. Your family and friends love you and want to see you succeed, and they’ll want to support you and your new baby. Advocating for yourself is an excellent way for you and your loved ones to reunite!
Other articles you might find helpful
- 5 Helpful Tips for Setting Boundaries with Grandparents
- Six Ways to You – As a Partner – Can Offer Helpful Breastfeeding Support
- Four Unhelpful Phrases We Should Stop Saying to New Parents (Plus, a Better Alternative)
Article references
Anderson, Jill. “The Benefit of Family Mealtime.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, 1 Apr. 2020, http://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/edcast/20/04/benefit-family-mealtime.
Barnes, Mia. “Essential Elements of a Productive Day Routine.” Body+Mind Magazine, Body+Mind Magazine, 1 Feb. 2023, http://bodymind.com/essential-elements-of-a-productive-day-routine/.
“Why Telepsychiatry Is Crucial for Mental Health.” TeleSpecialists, LLC, 15 Sept. 2021, http://tstelemed.com/why-telepsychiatry-is-so-crucial/.
“3 Reasons to Phone a Friend Today.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 23 Dec. 2020, http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2020/12/call-friends/.
