Struggling to reconnect with your partner after birth? You’re not alone! One mom shares what helped in her marriage.
There is a topic that I think we avoid, or maybe with everything going on in our lives as moms, that we forget about: intimacy with our partner.
“Why is creating intimacy after birth so challenging”?
These challenging moments can happen way after the 6-week mark or months after the baby’s arrival.
It’s normal; welcoming a new baby in the home comes with a lot of stress. We must adjust to a new schedule, providing a safe place for siblings to feel comfortable with the new baby.
Lastly, we cannot forget about our significant others and how they may feel (and vice versa).
As moms, we tend to take care of the household, including everyone and their needs, and layering in intimacy between partners can feel exhausting, and sometimes, unachievable.
I realized I was neglecting my partner
As a mom myself, I experienced (PPD) Postpartum Depression with my youngest son, Christian, and it was an experience I couldn’t dare compare to anything normal.
Anytime I thought I took a step forward, something else was pulling me away mentally. While I began to keep the house in order, I was neglecting someone else: my partner.
Related: How to Tell Your Partner You’re Not Ready for Sex at Six Weeks Postpartum
Unsure of what else he wanted. But that wasn’t the problem; the problem was that he felt left out, alone, and abandoned.
• Is anyone else experiencing this?
• How can all I’m doing not be enough?
• SEX! How could he think I’m in the headspace for that?
Communication and timing are everything
Communication is critical to understanding where the person is coming from, listening, and coming to a compromise.
- Find pressure-free time to talk and catch up
- Listen open-mindedly without judgment
- Find small moments to check in with each other
- Take the pressure of sex off the table; start with intimate moments
It wasn’t easy; I had to find a proper way to communicate with him and the right timing. Mornings are hectic in any household. With the new baby, I was getting the older kids ready for school, and he had to head to work.
We have to put the time aside to do so.
Time is limited, but finding small moments to check in with each other can make a big difference. We had to find time to better understand each other’s wants and needs.
Read next: Marriage Problems After Baby and How to Solve Them
The following night, the house was settled by 8 PM, and the kids were in bed. Cold beer in the fridge for him and a bottle of wine for me. Once he was home and settled, we sat at the dining room table.
We first talked about each other’s day and how the kid’s day went also. The next step was allowing my partner to get his feelings out and the wants he desired. Afterward, I did the same.
As he drank his beer, I sipped my wine. We held each other, laughed, and enjoyed the rest of the night.
Intimacy requires listening (and doesn’t always involve sex)
Listen to your partner’s wants and needs regardless of whether they are essential to you. Intimacy is not always based on sex. Intimacy can be the touch of holding hands or laying on the couch watching a movie while both legs touch.
Just know that when you communicate with your partner around intimacy after birth, let go of the defensiveness, sarcasm, and shutdown statements and take everything seriously as if you were expressing yourself.
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